I know I haven’t been blogging for quite some time. I do apologize about that. My life has been relatively hectic lately. And, honestly, I haven’t had the insight to write. But, that has all changed. Many of you know that I will be going to graduate school at UC-Denver. It’s a BS-DNP program and I will get my master’s degree along the way. It is a pediatric primary care program (starts in January), and I couldn’t be more excited. I am no longer living in Colorado Springs, but now live in Castle Rock (yes, with my mom).
A couple of weekends ago, I went to this event for Women’s Walk With Christ. Maybe you’ve heard of it. Anyway, not to get into detail, but it was a very healing and revealing weekend for me. It’s so hard to explain, but it’s as if God reached into the very depths of my heart and tore loose some of the sadness and fear that I’ve held onto. I swear, I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much in one weekend.
There’s a lot of sadness that I’ve shoved down into the depths of my soul, that I didn’t want to feel, that I couldn’t feel. I was just trying to survive. It started with growing up with type 1 diabetes. I didn’t ask for that, and I certainly didn’t ask to also get diagnosed with MS later in life. I started as just a little two-year old girl who didn’t have a choice but to grow up strong. I’ve grown up; every time that I felt just plain sad about what I was forced to deal with, I shoved it away for later. Much later. With my MS diagnosis came more inexplicable sadness and mountains of fear of what was going to happen to me.
I’ve gone through the motions with church and work, but couldn’t explain why my heart felt so cold and distant. Well, that weekend I knew why. That weekend I gave that girl to God – the one who didn’t have a choice but to be strong and hide her sadness. But, guys, what’s even more exciting is that He freed me from my fear. I can’t explain to you the type of fear that I’ve been experiencing since my MS diagnosis. It became more and more muted as the months have passed, but I didn’t realize how much it has crippled me over time. It was a physical fear where if I let myself experience it, I would feel it building up, ready to explode out of my chest with a viselike grip on my heart. So, what did I do? I shoved it down until I didn’t feel it. But with that weekend came an endless amount of tears and a freedom that was an amazing relief. God liberated me. He reached through my fear and offered His protective hand. Somehow I left Estes Park with a beautiful realization that no matter what happens, God is there leading me through it. And, miraculously, my fear was just gone. And oh my goodness is that a beautiful feeling that I didn’t even know I was missing out on. I can almost cry with relief right now just writing this.
At church today, I was told something that I’ve never thought of, and I needed to share. It so related to some of my struggle. You know that verse, Romans 8:28 that is just everywhere?
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
Yeahhhhh you know that verse. I can see some of you rolling your eyes. I know I have, for the past two years. Please. My MS has harmed me. It has stolen so much hope. And, it certainly isn’t a good thing. But, what good is God working towards? So often, we read this verse and read “good” as what we believe is a good life. Maybe that looks like success for you. Maybe that’s marriage and having children for you. Maybe, to you, that’s being famous and using your influence for “good”. So, we think that God makes bad things lead to a good life. And yes, God desires a good life for you, but the good that He is working towards is most likely different than the good that you’re imagining. Surprise! You don’t have all the answers. So, what “good” is God working towards? The answer comes in the next verse:
“For those God foreknew [to be followers of Christ] he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.”
God is molding us to be conformed to Jesus, to be like Jesus. That is the “good” that comes out of trials in life. We can either become bitter, or adopt the principles that Jesus teaches. God never said being called was going to be easy as pie. No, you have to work for it. Who else in their right mind would say that ‘I’ve been blessed to have diseases my whole life’?! Yeah, nobody. True, God does not plan to harm you. He does not plan to make you miserable. But He does try to teach you something and promises He will be there every step of the way.
It’s not about what good God can do for you – and He can do a great many things – but what good He can create in you through Jesus.
“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed.”