Tonight I’m writing a blog post just to get some emotion off of my chest. I don’t have any food for thought for you to consider or any revelations I’ve had lately, I just need to write…in the form of a letter apparently! So, continue at your own risk!
Most days I’m fine. Most days I don’t even think about you. I’ve moved on. But every so often, I let myself think back. I let my mind wander. And you inevitably show up in my thoughts. As hard as I try not to, I still feel the emotion. It still hurts.
I wonder how you came out of the situation thinking that you were the only one hurt. I wonder why, after all the time I spent trying to do things right, trying to make you proud, I wonder why you weren’t there. You weren’t there when I needed you the most…when my life was going up in flames. It was still all about you. Suddenly, all those times that you said “I love you” didn’t mean quite so much. Sure, we didn’t have the same relationship as before, but this kind of love doesn’t, or shouldn’t, just fade into nothing.
There I was laying in a hospital bed and you couldn’t even be bothered to visit. Was it because I was moving on with my life? I was suddenly old enough to handle life on my own, so you didn’t come visit. Or, maybe it was that you couldn’t see me like that. You couldn’t handle seeing me sick and in so much psychological pain. Maybe one disease was enough for you. I get it! Not everyone can handle it. Or maybe you were just too busy to take the time to see me. I don’t know, I never got an explanation.
Truth is, I didn’t want many visitors. And I didn’t want any pity. But I didn’t expect you to stay away. I thought for sure, after you heard me brokenly crying, that you would have at least stopped by to check on me in person as I tried to piece my life back together. I guess I didn’t warrant a visit? I’m so incredibly thankful I had friends and other family that did come see me during one of the hardest times in my life, and they deserve credit, but, where were you?
I’m a strong woman. I can deal with life. Disease isn’t a new occurrence for me. Like I said, I’ve moved on. But, is it weird that after everything, I still want to hear the words “I’m proud of you. I’m sorry I wasn’t there – I should have been.”? It’s mixed – I want to make you proud, but I also want to prove that I don’t need you. I want you to know that you made a mistake, thinking that things are the same with us. I’m not the same girl you knew. I’m stronger. I’m more perceptive. I grew up. I’m someone who has life experience. I’ve dealt with the pain, at least tried to in a constructive way. Somehow I think you haven’t done the same.
I want you to know that when I look back at it, it still hurts. It’s not what I wanted for us. But the damage has been done. The sad part is, you probably don’t even know that there is damage to repair. And, I can’t tell you. I don’t want to hurt you and I don’t want you to feel guilty about anything. I’m always going to love you and deep down, I know you truly care. Sometimes, though, it just gets to me. I don’t expect you to understand, but I wish you would.