Picture this. I’m on my way to work this morning, early on a slightly rainy Sunday. Bleary-eyed, I turn on the radio to wake myself up some more. Every single channel is playing commercials. COMMERCIALS. My Christian music stations and even my country stations were a no-go. In fact, it seemed like both had some sort of scheduled interview with someone related to something. I wasn’t paying attention. How annoying. I wait for a few minutes to be a good sport, change the channel. I change it again. Still commercials. Frustrated, I turned the radio off. Whatever. I’ll just go this morning without music.
I’m sitting in my car, in the parking garage, waiting to go to my unit. I take a breath and consider my day, knowing what patients I’m walking into this morning because I had them yesterday. It wasn’t a bad day by any means, but a twelve hour shift takes some mental preparation.
I got a phone call from the hospital. It was my charge nurse, calling me off for two hours. I chuckled, knowing I was already in the parking garage, but I gladly accepted her offer. As I backed out of the parking spot, I turned on the radio, half expecting to hear more talking. And, to my delight, both of my Christian channels were finally playing music! Yay!
I’ve been feeling somewhat frustrated with work lately. I’ve had a couple of rough days with difficult patients, and there are many people leaving the floor because they are pursuing other avenues. Add that is great! Honestly, it’s good. Nursing is a profession with turnover, so it’s to be expected. But, it also makes it hard on staff. Anyway, my point…So, I’m driving home, happy that I can listen to music, and I just laughed and silently said to God, “That was you, wasn’t it? I mean, no music on the way to work (which never happens normally), I get called off, and then, suddenly, music on my way home? And it’s Sunday! It’s early enough that if they officially call me off by 9, I can go to the late service at church (which ended up not happening because they extended the time for which I was on-call, but so close)! With my recent history of being frustrated at work (just the nature of a 13 hour day with very sick people), all I could think was thank you, Lord for this much needed reprieve.
I remember having a conversation with some friends about a month ago. We were talking about people getting completely healed by God from whatever their ailment is. I’ve always thought of these stories with awe and a little bit of sadness. Awe because, I mean, how amazing! I absolutely believe that stories like that are true. Sadness because I can’t imagine something like that ever happening to me. Then, I thought, there is my problem right there. Yes, I have a strong faith, but when it comes to faith about being healed? Yeah, not so much. So, I was talking with my friend about why I felt that way. He said that it’s just too hard for people to believe that, not that they don’t want to, but because if it doesn’t happen they’re devastated all over again.
It’s all well and good to ask God to heal you of your ailments, but it’s beneficial for the person to have that doubt in the back of his/her mind because there is less disappointment when it doesn’t happen. It’s a safety mechanism. However, that means that you don’t have complete faith in what God can do. I am so guilty of this. Living with my health is hard, but I deal with it. If my hope was completely dashed after not being healed when I fully expected to be, it would be extremely difficult. So, I hold onto that shred of “Eh, it’s not going to happen. I’m not one of those.” And, I’m to the point where I don’t even pray to be healed from my diseases, just for God to give me the strength to get through each day. This whole conversation was an eye opener for me, and I was able to identify one of my many weaknesses in my faith.
In other words, I’ve been feeling a little off-kilter recently. I am trying to make some big changes in my life with school, work, and my goals. However, my frustration meter has been off the charts – with my illnesses, my fatigue, work, relationships…And, it shows! I’ve had more people ask me recently, “Are you feeling okay?”, “You’ve been quiet lately”, or “You look tired”, or “How are those blood sugars?”. Frequently I smile and reassure them that everything is fine. And, everything really is okay! Sometimes I just feel a large weight on my shoulders with everything I need to take care of by myself.
Today was a much needed reminder that God is still with me. And, you may not see God behind any of this little event this morning, but I sure do. Maybe I’ve been worrying about the big things lately, but God is there reminding me that He’s also there in the details. This morning He reminded me that, hey, I’m still here. I know what you’re going through. Take a break and go write a blog post (haha)! I just want to encourage you to examine where your faith is really at. Where do you struggle to believe that God will pull through? He already knows you’re struggling in that area; you can’t surprise Him. So own up to it and let Him surprise you.
“But Jesus said, ‘Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me.’ Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she has touched him and how she had been instantly healed. Then He said to her, ‘Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace.'”
“Then Jesus said to His disciples: ‘Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and h body more than clothes…Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?…If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith!…'”