Welcome to the new year, everyone!
I recently returned from a visit to Texas where a bunch of us TCU folk got together to celebrate the New Year. Go Frogs. It was a blast! It’s so awesome to see friends all in different walks of life and starting their lives. It was good to see family. It brought me back to all my college memories! Back to the 4:30AM wake-up calls for clinicals, back to the constant studying, and back to all the fun.
It all seems like a lifetime ago.
It was before my move back to Colorado. It was before learning how to be on my own. It was before trying to jump-start my nursing career. It was before my MS diagnosis and my summer of being in the hospital. It was before the sleepless nights of worry. It was before trying to figure out how I was going to cope with my new diagnosis. It was before all the MRIs, the new medications, the doctors…
I don’t really feel like the same person that graduated from TCU. The visit over New Years was a wonderful time to see old friends and re-connect with some of my best friends. All the same, I think back to the person I was at TCU and, I know I’m different. Since graduation, I’ve been through heartbreak, I’ve experienced some serious fatigue, and I’ve dealt with many confusing, conflicting, dark emotions. And through Jesus, I’ve come out the other side with a new perspective.
In some ways I feel calmer, like I’ve experienced what life can suddenly throw at you. I also feel a little more reserved. I feel guarded and cautious when I’m meeting new people. There are days when I’m just so tired of fighting so hard. However, I also have been very open with people who expressed an interest in actually getting to know me. I feel a pull to share my story with those who are struggling to try and give them encouragement. I also feel more strongly than ever that I am going to be okay.
I went back to work yesterday. And it was crazy. It’s a horrible thing, to hear a “code blue” [a cardiac arrest] being paged overhead. There is just a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I hear one. We do everything we can, but we can’t save every life that comes through the hospital. It had me thinking about the frailty of life; in a moment everything can change. In a moment, everything did change, for me.
But this year, I resolve to be resilient. I resolve to take care of my health and take care of my body. I have no delusions about the future – it’s going to be scary, I’m going to be uncertain, and it probably won’t be easy. But I’m going to try and live more in the present than in the future. I certainly don’t want to dwell in this past year. I resolve to be consistent about my prayer life and be praying about things that matter. I resolve to keep this blog going and to share my story wherever I can. God’s work in my life should be shared because without Him, I am nothing. So, here’s to this year and to new resolve! Thanks for reading.
“It is good to praise the Lord and make music to your name, O Most High, proclaiming your love in the morning and your faithfulness at night…For you make me glad by your deeds, Lord; I sing for joy at what your hands have done. How great are your works, Lord, how profound your thoughts! Senseless people do not know, fools do not understand, that though the wicked spring up like grass and all evildoers flourish, they will be destroyed forever. But you, Lord, are forever exalted.”