A couple of weeks ago, I had two doctors’ appointments. One was with a neurologist, and one with an MS specialist. I don’t know why I scheduled them both on the same day, on my day off, but I did. So, with my morning appointment out of the way, I began the drive to Denver to meet with the MS specialist.
I parked in the complex and started the trek to the medical building. As I approached the glass doors to the elevators, I noticed a young woman outside the door, leaning on her crutches, her left leg hovering in the air. Odd, that she would just be stopped outside the door. As I got closer, I realized the young woman was crying. Being me, and being a nurse, of course I rushed over to her and said, “Hey, are you okay?” She looked up and gave me an exasperated laugh to try and negate the tears. “Yeah,” she said, “I’m okay, just frustrated.” I relaxed knowing that she wasn’t hurt. But empathy quickly took over my emotions and I asked her, “Can I help you with something?” She told me no, but thank you. I reached over to the door handle and held it open as she crutched her way through the doorway. She paused at the elevator, I paused at the top of the stairway. I looked back and had an overwhelming desire to tell her that everything was going to be okay. Except, I didn’t. I had no idea what was going on in her life. I had no idea what she had been crying about. I can’t just go around saying everything is going to be okay. But I still had to do something. I thought about asking if I could pray for her somehow. But, I didn’t know her background, she didn’t know me, and I didn’t want to hold her up. But what did I do? I turned around and gave her a hug and a smile before I started down the stairs.
I don’t know if I made her day better. I hope I encouraged her a little bit. But the funny thing is, I knew exactly how she felt. It’s always frustrating going into that MS clinic. I felt a little bit like crying myself. I sat in the chairs and watched as patients were called back into the office. There were middle-aged people with walkers, with canes, even a few in wheelchairs. They were all so young. I’m pretty sure I was one of the youngest in the clinic that afternoon, but all these people still have so much life ahead of them, and here they are, limited in movement and using supportive devices to get around. Then comes the painful thought, “Is that going to be me in ten years?”
Another frustration that I’ve experienced the last couple of nights? They’ve been pretty sleepless. I had two low blood sugars two nights ago, and two low blood sugars again last night. I don’t know what they’re from, if I didn’t eat enough protein or what, but that first night, I woke up at 11pm or so with a blood sugar in the 40s. I took care of it, went back to bed, and woke up again at 2am with a blood sugar in the 30s. I was up every hour after that, tossing and turning, before I got up at 5:30 to go to work. Last night I woke up twice, AGAIN in the middle of the night with blood sugars in the 30s. I had a small snack before I left for church this morning (no carbs in it whatsoever, but it had protein!) and mid-morning, my blood sugar was in the 300s. My mind is screaming WHAT IS GOING ON?! Why can’t I figure this out?
My blood sugars have been all over the place. Maybe it’s stress, maybe my eating habits aren’t good enough. I’m not sure. I start my continuous glucose monitor (CGM) next week. I go through training on Wednesday. And, yes, I am scared. It tests my blood sugar every five minutes, but I REALLY don’t want to see how much of a failure I am at controlling my blood sugars. At least when I test six times a day I can take care of it then and there, but now I have to see the actual patterns of my blood sugars. And, yes, that is scary.
But, one thing I do know. God is with me. He has time to hear my concerns. I’ve been working hard, trying to take care of myself, staying active, fighting the fatigue, going to the gym regularly. But, I think in all that mess of trying to take care of myself, for the long run in relation to MS, my diabetes management has suffered a bit. I’m so scared to start this CGM, but I know in the long run it will help me gain better control. And I just want to encourage everyone out there that God is with you in the frustrating parts of life. I don’t write this blog post to complain about the things I’ve experienced, but to tell you and show you that I believe that God is going to take care of me. Yes, I’m making some changes in my disease management, but I’m doing it so I can stay healthy, so I can continue to do my job in nursing, so I can be an example of a victorious life in Christ. When I tell people my story, I want them to see God taking care of me. I want them to believe that God will take care of them too, no matter what they’re going through. Thanks for reading. Prayers as I start this new CGM thing would be much appreciated :).
“You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the rock eternal.”