So, my last few posts have been anything but happy and encouraging. I do apologize for that, and I hope you won’t hold it against me. Thank you for all of you who have been praying for me. Prayer is a wonderful thing. I’m a little reluctant to say that things have been better lately, for fear this reprieve goes away, but they have been.
My state of mind has been better recently. I’m getting out and being active again – thank goodness for swimming, it has always been there for me. I’m reading books again. I just feel more encouraged altogether, to be honest. It’s funny how my heart knows things that my brain refuses to accept. I’ve known that staying inside isn’t the best thing for me, but I couldn’t get myself to leave. I’ve known that not looking forward to going to work isn’t who I really am, but I couldn’t snap out of it. I’ve known that the destructive thinking I’ve been going through isn’t what God wants out of my situation, yet I couldn’t bring myself to stop the intrusive thoughts.
In short, I’ve felt better recently. My thoughts aren’t so intrusive and depressive. And it’s a huge relief. This song came on the radio the other day – “Just Be Held” by Casting Crowns. It has really put things into perspective. Just take a second and read the lyrics:
Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on
And when you’re tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There’s freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go
So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
If your eyes are on the storm
You’ll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You’ll know I always have and I always will
And not a tear is wasted
In time, you’ll understand
I’m painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands
Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you’ll find Me
And where you are, I’ll hold your heart I’ll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won’t let go
So applicable, right? I’ve been so preoccupied with trying to stay strong, with trying to hold on to what fight I have left in me. But today I’ve discovered a new perspective that I have just chosen to ignore lately. God has been right here all along, patiently waiting for me to come back. With a few things that I’ve chosen to do the past couple months, He has gently nudged me to say, that’s not you, Morgan. You know that’s not healthy, come back to me. I am fighting for you, you don’t have to fight by yourself.
I haven’t felt God’s presence the last few months, and that’s my entire fault because I’ve been consciously ignoring him. All I’ve felt is hurt, betrayal, and abandonment; and that’s all I’ve been giving God in return. I hate admitting that because I know it’s wrong and I’m not that kind of person. But, I’m human, and I struggle with life. No surprise there. So, I want to thank those of you who have been there for me the past couple months. You know who you are, whether it was just one phone call, some texts here and there, or both. God really has blessed me with you, and I want you to know it. Anyway, there’s that. I’m getting there.
“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”
“Surely the righteous will never be shaken; they will be remembered forever. They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord.”