It has been awhile since I last wrote a blog post. Even as I sit here writing this post, I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to write about. But, that’s alright, I always write from the heart anyway, so it will come.
I begin 4 weeks of working night shift tonight. Those of you who know me and my bedtime habits are laughing right now. I don’t blame you. I’m laughing right along with you. How in the world am I going to survive night shift?! That, my friends, is yet to be seen.
I’ve felt sort of in a rut lately in regards to my faith. I don’t know why I feel this way. Maybe it’s because I’m working so hard, because I’m tired, because on my days off all I want to do is sleep. I know fatigue is a side effect of MS, and I’m trying to get out there and live my life in beautiful Colorado, but I feel as though my prayer life and faith fervor, so to speak, have dwindled.
I feel like all I spend all my days off at the doctor, filling prescriptions, or making appointments. My last appointment with my primary care doctor went well, and I felt well, which is a blessing. I was trying to get some paperwork done so I could finally transfer my RN license from Texas to Colorado, and basically it was just a form that said I was competent to do the job. So my doctor asked me, “Have you felt any symptoms lately from your MS?” And I said no. He looked at me skeptically for a moment and asked me, “You would tell me if you were having any symptoms, right?” My heart died a little inside. I replied that of course I would tell him. I don’t like symptoms any more than he does. He also told me during the appointment, “Oh, I forgot you’re only twenty-two!” You and me both, doctor. You and me both.
Do you ever feel like you lose yourself a little bit with all your worries on your shoulders? That’s what I’ve been feeling lately. I’m worried about working night shift, that can’t be good for your health, right? I almost feel guilty talking to the manager and saying I want to go back to days as soon as possible for health concerns. I’m a nurse, and making this job about me, pains me. It’s about the patients. They need a night nurse and here I am asking to be put on days because of my concerns. And I know I can’t take care of patients unless I take care of myself, but I can’t help feeling this way. I was doing an assessment on a patient of mine the other day and the sensation in this patient’s legs was decreased and gripping things was hard for this patient. I ended up figuring out that my patient had a long history of MS. I had to stop for a minute and collect myself and my emotions. Is that going to be me in 30 years?
I’m tired of being scared, tired of being frustrated, and tired of being tired quite frankly. There are some great things going on in my life and certain worries have resolved themselves, but the highs and lows of my emotions have been exhausting lately. So, I need to work on giving my cares to Christ. That’s hard for me, because I’m a worrier. It’s hard for me to continually believe everything is going to work out when events in this world keep reminding me that the tears and the fear are right under the surface. But I need to keep in mind that God knows I’m scared. God knows the worries that keep me up at night. And He is the one who can take it all away. I just need to let go. Even though I grow weary, God does not.
“Since then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry…Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts.”