I was waiting for it. I was waiting for the PTSD to kick in. I was waiting to have that panicky feeling again. But, to my relief and surprise, it didn’t come.
Normally I dislike broadcasting anything about my illnesses – unless it’s to raise awareness or spread some education around. I guess, since I wrote a book about it, you’re probably saying, “Yeah right, Morgan. Talk about broadcasting your illnesses.” But, what you probably don’t know is the patience writing that book required. I had to be patient with myself when I broke down in tears after writing certain paragraphs. It was a process that I wouldn’t want to go through again. But, I believe that God redeemed my story in such a way that I had to share it. I had to talk about the hope I got back again.
Back to my main point though! I was recently in the hospital (just for a weekend) with an infection. Yes, it got bad enough to where I needed to be hospitalized. You can bet that I tried not to go to the hospital, but when I was wide awake at 3AM, shivering and hurting, I knew I was in trouble. So, I went through that whole ordeal – my escalating blood sugars, my recurrent shivering chills, waking up in a sweat while my body battled the fevers. And, I waited. Even after I was discharged and went home to rest, I waited. I waited for the flashbacks to start. I waited for the recurring images of my hospital stay when I was diagnosed with MS to appear. I waited for the tears to come. They never really did.
Let me tell you, it was such a huge relief. And, you know what that tells me? That tells me about the state of my heart. That tells me that when Jesus took away my fear and my anger, He really did start that healing process. The peace that Jesus gave me (if you want to hear about that – read my book!) is real. And, again, with everything negative I’ve experienced with my health, my gratitude for Jesus redeeming that is unmeasurable.
You know what it also did? It also reassured me that patience with God’s timing pays off. I have so many things going on in my life right now – grad school, new job, health insurance drama (DON’T get me started), and keeping myself healthy. Guys, since I was in high school, I wanted to become a nurse practitioner and work with type 1 diabetes. I knew that going into nursing school. I knew I’d have to get that nursing degree, work for at least two years, apply to grad school and then keep myself motivated through more school! Yes, that takes perseverance, but it also takes patience. I knew where I felt like I was being called, but it was going to be a long process. And, in 9 months, I’m going to have my masters degree in nursing already!! I’ve always known that my health was going to take patience. But, as evidenced by this last hospital stay, look where I am now with those emotions versus where I was two years ago. Not that I won’t feel those emotions again – it’s a daily battle – but my heart is being healed. I’ve had to be patient through that.
All of this just gives me hope. If you know me, you’ll know that I can be a worrier sometimes. I worry about many things. I worry about my grades. I worry about being a good nurse. I worry about the job I’m going to get after I graduate. I worry about sleeping through a low blood sugar in the middle of the night. I worry about being able to afford all of my medical expenses. For heaven’s sake I sometimes even worry if I’ll ever get back to dating (cue the eye roll).
But after this last experience, I just know that God’s plan for my life won’t be impacted by all of my worrying. The rough things that have happened in my life up until now have served greater purposes – good purposes. I have peace that I’m going to end up where Jesus wants me to end up, as long as I trust in His timing. Patience pays off. This may sound so cheesy, but He knows the desires of my heart. He knows where I have wanted to work since high school. He knows the rough areas of my life where I have trouble trusting people with. In regard to dating, He knows exactly what kind of man I’ve been holding out for, where to find him, and when to open that door. The only thing I need to do is be patient.
It took me a lot longer than I would’ve liked to realize that my MS diagnosis was not a punishment. I’ve had to be patient with my health struggle for years in order to truly realize that Jesus has never left me in the midst of it. I had some healing to do; Jesus knew that. I’m so thankful I allowed myself that time to heal and get back to who I really am. And, I never want to lose this peace I have in knowing that whatever happens, I’m going to be okay if I stick with Jesus. And, that is applicable to everything else in my life as well – and yours! Thanks for tuning in to my thought bubble!
“But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.”