Here I am, in the middle of a coffee shop, staring at this familiar white, blank space, waiting for words to occupy it. I know I haven’t written a blog post in a little while. Maybe it’s because I don’t know exactly what to write about. I’ve been feeling sort of stuck, lately. I don’t know if that’s the right word for it. I feels as though I’ve sort of plateaued.
There have been many things on my mind recently. Most of all, I’ve had some distress about God’s plan. My previous post was about the reality that God’s plan sometimes takes years to be accomplished. That is certainly a reality, but also a frustrating idea.
I’ve felt sort of stuck in my nursing career. I’ve been tired. I don’t look forward to going to work. When I was younger, I had this idea that I was going to go to nursing school, work for maybe a year, then apply for nurse practitioner (NP) school. But, what, with my MS diagnosis and emotional turmoil it brought, that dream was shattered for a while. I was happy with being a floor nurse. I then entertained the idea of becoming a diabetes educator. I’ve had so much support with that, people telling me that I’d be great at it. But, I have recently realized that wouldn’t be enough for me. I started feeling stuck in my nursing career – the endless 12 hour shifts. The idea of NP school scares me. Nursing school was bad enough, after all. It has taken me quite a bit of courage to get out of bed every morning after this past year and a half to continue with my life. These 12-13 hour shifts are getting to me, guys. But I recently decided to take action and fight that “stuck” feeling. I’ve started an application for DNP school (doctorate – nurse practitioner). Guys. I’m going to get my doctorate. I’ve started thinking about that dream again – being an NP and helping children and their families adjust to life with type 1 diabetes. I started getting excited about it again. I want to educate nurses and healthcare providers about the use of insulin pumps; I want to change lives; I want to impact the healthcare community on a larger level.
There have been some family dynamics lately that I have felt powerless to fix/remedy. And it’s painful, in some ways. Emotionally it has been taxing for everyone involved. Sometimes I sit and just let it get to me as I try to think myself through it. It makes me see the horrid downfalls of entitlement and how this world just endlessly promotes self-absorption. Heaven forbid you think of someone else besides yourself. Sometimes the brokenness of this world seems impossible to penetrate.
I’ve tried to work some more on my book and just don’t have the energy to work on it. I open my laptop, look at the screen, and then just “X” out of it. I have the same stresses with my illnesses, day after day. They don’t stop, and I don’t talk about it. How can I effectively write about it when I’m not on fire about it?!
Lately I’ve really just been thinking back to my previous blog post. I’ve just been sitting here recently, wanting my life to move forward. Waiting on God’s timing is hard. I want to be past this place where I just feel stuck. So, I’m applying for DNP school. I am fighting my urge to just constantly sleep off the stress and forget about this frustrating world. I don’t know what God’s plan is for my life. Sometimes I wish He would just come sit on the edge of my bed and tell me exactly what it is He wants me to do. I think it’s just part of adulthood, to be honest. Sometimes I just feel so powerless, so unsure. So, it’s a good thing I have an all-powerful God on my side.
So, this is to everyone who is in my same boat. Don’t sell yourself short. Keep praying. Keep fighting. You will have your moment. I’m just glad I have Jesus on my side! Thanks for reading!
“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.’ The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.”
“When I said, ‘My foot is slipping,’ your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.”
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