I have been sort of scrambling for hope lately. I’ve felt stuck in sort of this pattern. My whole life I’ve tried to keep standing up straight and moving on with my life no matter what it brings my way. But, lately, I’ve felt differently. I am going through the motions, going to work, talking to friends, doing my best to keep a smile on my face. Some days are worse than others, but I’ve had the same general feeling. I’ve been reaching for something to give me hope. It’s hard for me to talk about this because even I keep telling myself, “Morgan, you should be over this by now. There’s nothing you can do but keep moving forward, so get it together. You’re stronger than this.”
But, the joke is on me. Remember in one of my earlier posts when I was talking about the two stages of getting diagnosed with a chronic disease? The first stage is the rallying stage where everyone does their best to keep you going. The second stage is the frustrating stage where people sort of forget what you’re dealing with, where the emotions are still reeling even if you’re physically healthy. I’ve been stuck in this stage for the last couple months as I try to carry on with life. I can’t tell you how frustrated I am with being stuck in this body. I think in some ways I’m still angry with God, or frustrated with Him. It’s like I need to talk about it, but every time I do so, the tears quickly come to the surface and I force them back down. I know that’s not healthy, but sometimes I don’t have a choice. When I go to work, I have to leave everything at the door for my patients, but all the feelings are waiting there for me when I leave. And, I take them right back up again. It’s a never-ending cycle and I feel so stuck in it. I don’t belong in this body, it’s hard to grasp that this will be the rest of my life. I know it doesn’t have to be and I still have all my hopes and dreams, but this MS diagnosis has really thrown a wrench in things. It’s not so much I’m scared about what will happen physically to me, it’s just that these thoughts and feelings haven’t yet come to heel. I know this is slightly unfounded, but I feel bad talking to people about it because, like I said, I feel like I should be past this by now. Knowing my personality, that frustrates me. I’m having a hard time finding my joy again. The littlest thing can set me off. My heart has just felt sort of unstable lately.
Last week, on my way to work, I found some encouragement, though. It was just a fleeting moment. But this song came on the radio. I’ve talked about this song before, but it was just such a comforting reminder to me because I’ve been feeling so stuck.
Building 429 “Where I Belong”
Then, another song came on right after it. I couldn’t help but feel that it was kind of a God moment giving me some comfort when I was lost in my thoughts.
Big Daddy Weave “My Story”
After listening to these songs, my heart felt calm for the first time in weeks. It didn’t last forever, but it was a moment of just relief and sweet reminders that I am not alone. Despite me still feeling stuck in my body, in this period in my life, in the destructive thoughts that still come to mind at times, God was there letting me know that He will win. I will defeat these thoughts, these scary visions of what might happen to me later in life with Christ. I just need to find my roots again, find my joy in Christ. It’s my fault that the joy in Christ has been absent lately, but not unwarranted knowing how I’ve felt these past few months. I’m trying to fight it, but it’s going to take time. On the drive to work that day, I realized that my hope is when God comes back for all of His believers and I will no longer have to deal with the ramifications of this disease. Take this world and give me Jesus. When I tell people my story, I want it to be about God, I want it to be about how I didn’t do anything on my own, that is all Christ. My feelings lately have proven that I would not do well on my own. I want people to know that God’s grace has and will prevail. So, in the meanwhile, thank you to all of you who have been patient with me, who have been willing to listen, who haven’t told me to “get over it”. Sometimes it’s just hard to pick up your life where you left off after something crazy has happened. Thanks for reading, and listening. Have a great day everyone.
“The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. The Lord protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need, he saved me. Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.”