Well, here I am writing my first blog post since I’ve moved back home to Colorado. And, let me tell you, it has been crazy around here. I start my job tomorrow and I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I know my last post was hard for me to write after all I’ve been through since graduation, but today I feel ready to sort out some of the blessings that have come through this.
I listened to a podcast by Matt Chandler this morning on suffering and comfort. He focused on the book of James. It did provide me with some encouragement. He focused on the text that tells believers to be patient, that Jesus is coming back. We must be patient with one another, with trials, with the darkness of this world because Jesus is coming back and all that hardship will be nonexistent. But, it’s hard, when you’re in the middle of something, to be patient with God’s plan. I have been extremely blessed in my life, save my health. And even then, I’ve been blessed. I’ve written before how I thought it was amazing that I have always woken up in the middle of the night when I have a low blood sugar. I could have easily continued sleeping while my blood sugar continued to drop. But, God watches out for me. This MS diagnosis has made it a little more difficult to try and sort out the blessings. My emotions are still kind of everywhere; it is hard to pick out the good things with something like this. I could easily feel betrayed and indignant that God has taken away more of my health. And I have felt that. I have too many plans for me to be taken three steps back. But, see, that’s the problem. They were my plans. And we all know how human plans work out. God has an entirely different plan.
I’ve been feeling good the past two weeks. For the first time since graduation, I feel like my normal self. I haven’t felt constantly sick. That is a blessing right there as I’m about to start my new job. I haven’t had any more exacerbations. As I look back, God had everything planned out. Not long before graduation, I applied to a hospital in Denver, and after I got out of the hospital, I learned that I was rejected. I was upset about that, especially considering the blow of getting diagnosed with MS. Nothing seemed to be going right. But I still remained in bed at that point trying to regain my strength. So, I applied to the hospital in Colorado Springs and ended up getting accepted. If I had gotten that previous job, I would have already started work. I just started feeling like myself the past couple weeks. I don’t know if I could have made it through those first days at that job if I had started earlier. There is a blessing that I could not foresee. True, I got diagnosed right after graduation, but I graduated. I finished out my clinicals and all my schoolwork before it hit me. That’s a blessing. My mom told me that after I got out of the hospital, and I knew she was right, however I didn’t want to hear it. I felt that being diagnosed with MS, no matter where you are in life isn’t really a blessing. So, I didn’t want to hear it. But I know she is right. Like in the book of Job where the devil asks permission to take away Job’s health after he lost everything else, and God says, okay, but you cannot kill him. There are exceptions to this request being granted. It’s like God allowed this MS to happen, but he told the devil, not until after she graduates. That was a hard blessing to wrap my mind around, but I know it is one.
God has been with me the whole time. How else do you explain that even with a few weeks of setbacks where I wasn’t even well enough to study, I passed my NCLEX? How else do you explain that I was rejected from the first job I applied to, but was accepted at the second and I’m starting it after I’m feeling well again? How else do you explain that I’m back home in Colorado after everything that has happened, just like I felt I was going to be at the beginning of freshman year at TCU? Well, I have an explanation: God has a plan for me and I’m right where He wants me to be. I am entirely thankful. And despite the hardships I’ve experienced lately, I find myself being comforted in the fact that God will work good through this. I’m willing myself to just be patient and trust that God will bring me through this for a greater purpose.
I sobbed for the first few days after my diagnosis and then cried for more days on and off when this diagnosis hit me. I mourned my health, even when it already wasn’t perfect because of my diabetes. I felt somewhat depressed and in disbelief that I have to now deal with two chronic diseases for the rest of my life, starting at age 22. I long for the day where I don’t cry with frustration at my health. I long for the day when my resolve doesn’t weaken when things get difficult. But it’s comforting to know that nothing happens without God’s permission. And it’s comforting to know that God tells us to be patient and to hang in there, because there are bigger and better things to come. I just have to surrender to God’s plan. Thanks for reading!
“Be patient, then, brothers, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains. You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near. Don’t grumble against each other, brothers, or you will be judged. The Judge is standing at the door! Brothers, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.”